My name is Toguro
by Kazima Kuwabara
Summary: Toguro's thoughts in Limbo. His thought on what he did to Yusuke, and made him suffer through.


ah the holidays are done, but it was fun. So before the new year, here is a story. Please enjoy'  
Kuwabara: She owns nothing...:to himself: she sure is talking funny...

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My name is Toguro.

And I am a human, with crimes far worse than the nightmares people have.

I've committed many crimes, and I'm paying for them.

In limbo.

What I wanted. It's dark here, and I remember all the crimes I've done, everything. All the faces crying in agony. Children giving their last bubble of breath. Blood falling like rain...

Blood on my hands.

One of the things I've done, that eats at me, is killing her...Killing Genkai.

I thought that would be the worst memory. Killing someone I loved so dearly. But....

It's not.

Another image always surfaces in my mind. The very last thing I've done wrong, my very last evil deed. The crime was nothing compared to some of the things I've done, but the way they looked, the way he screamed, the way the blood felt cold on my hands, though it be warm, all haunt me more than anything. My last crime was what I did to Yusuke Urameshi, and to that other boy...his best friend...that one boy....

Ah, Yes...

Kazuma Kuwabara.

It was at the Dark Tournament, and no matter what buttons I pushed, Yusuke could not reach his power. Could not get to the level of skill I wanted him at, and needed him 't get there. I was angry...he was my last hope. Someone like me can't die by suicide, or carelessness...no matter how much I wanted to die. I had to go down in a battle, against someone stronger than me...I had to.

And here, the only one that would probably ever beat me, couldn't reach his power. I was mad, and knew if he proved me wrong, and did not defeat me, their would be hell to pay. He would die...pay for raising my hopes. Then Genkai came back. She posed as small animal thing, a weird creature, and told me to kill one of his friends. Seeing his reaction, told me this was what I needed to do to get what I wanted. I had thought about this before...

But it just wasn't right.

Something I couldn't do. I knew the pain of losing someone so dear to you. My students...all gone...children, woman, young men. Even :my: best friend who I had believed was strong enough to defeat the killer was gone. I...of all things...I didn't want to do it.

Sadly, I decided I would. If this was the only way...then so be it. I needed Yusuke to realize his full power, he :had: to, so I could die the way I needed to die. I turned looking at them all. Koenma, Kurama, Hiei, and him...Kuwabara. All looked at me hatefully. Kurama and Hiei were starring at me unafraid, daring me to pick one of them. Koenma was anxious, maybe a little scared, but other than that looked perfectly fine with the thought of being chosen, but Kuwabara....

He was petrified. Right down to the bone, but he looked at me with the more hate than the others. I had studied them all carefully. Studied their feelings towards each other, what they did. I hadn't had time to see Koenma and Yusuke be around one another, but in the small glances I managed to get, I saw the respect. The friendship. As for the fox, Kurama seemed to be Yusuke's teacher besides Genkai. He gave him advice, and helped him, and was always polite. Yusuke in return told jokes to Kurama, and encouraged him as he battled. Hiei watched Yusuke from the distance, not openly showing his feelings, but Yusuke had no problem showing his own.

It was Kuwabara's and Yusuke's relationship that struck me the most.

Their fights, whether it be yelling, or fist fighting. The glares they sent each other, and teasing. They revealed each others weakness to the enemies, enjoying the struggle they faced, but no one would get away with hurting one or the other. Yusuke protected his friend, knowing Kuwabara wasn't the strongest contender, that Kuwabara's human body was for some reason frailer, than his own.

Yusuke didn't know about the demon blood running through him. I knew...I sensed it since I first saw him. If you think about it, it is hard to miss.

I watched as they leapt at the chance to protect one another, to defend each other. Saw them eagerly take risks for the others safety. I even saw Yusuke shed tears for Kuwabara when he was knocked down by Ichigaki's slaves. I heard every time Yusuke called out for his friend in desperation. Heard the screams, and the pain expressed in their shaking voices. Even now, I've listened to Kuwabara restlessly speak of Yusuke, and talk of joining him.

'You'll now get your chance Kuwabara...'

I pointed at him, and at first the group were uncertain of who I chose. "How about you Kuwabara?" The copper haired teen paled, and eyes widened, he made a strange sound, that even I at my distance could hear. "Yes, Yusuke does seem to be the most protective of you." Behind me, I could feel the tension, and panic I'd caused to caress Yusuke's soul.

Yusuke rose to his feet, eyes wide, and face pale and sweaty. As I walked forward my eyes only on Kuwabara, he attacked me. Desperation, panic, horror, and fear driving him on. I swatted him away like a fly, if he could not give me the fight I wanted without what I was going to perform next, then it was his fault. Not mine.

The more pain I inflicted on Yusuke as I continued my steady pace towards Kuwabara, the more the teen's eyes lost it's fear. I could hear the group ahead of me whispering at what they should do. Just when it seemed they were ready for what they should do next, Kuwabara stopped them.

"Stay back, it's me he wants."

I remember those words echoing in my head. I admit, for the first year here, I covered my eyes when I thought of that sentence. The meaning, the selflessness, behind it was touching, and tore at my soul a little more each day.

Hiei had barked at him angrilly, but I can read the feelings in peoples' words. Frustration, and anger, also a sprinkle of concern decorated his words. Angry that Kuwabara was chosen, and seemed willing to let it happen. Frustration that he himself, hadn't been chosen, and of course the concern for his friend's, (whether he admitted they were friends or not,) life. Kurama was no better. He did not say much, only his name, but it was obvious he wanted to say so much more to stop his friend. To stop the inevitable.

Kuwabara had laughed at Hiei's angry words, letting the small warrior know he intended to let me kill him. He turned to Koenma telling him to, "make sure my wake is as good as Urameshi's!" He spoke of how there was no stopping me, and how he was ready to die like a man with no regrets. Listening to him then, I knew he wasn't kidding. He was ready to die, as long as it kept me from hurting his best friend. From hurting Yusuke. He didn't care what I would do to him, what would happened.

His sword drawn, he charged.

Putting on my act, I smiled and appeared in front of him at a blink of an eye. Kuwabara was startled, and didn't even get to raise his sword as I pushed my hand into the smaller teen's chest, well smaller compared to me. Everything seemed to freeze, and the events of hurting him drew out until forever. I heard the small sounds he made, and watched his face. He was a child compared to me, but then with his eyes wide, and sweat dripping down his face, he looked old. Old and wretched.

I heard Yusuke scream when I pushed my fingers further in. That scream gave me chills, the hairs on the back of my neck prickled up. My hand was mostly in Kuwabara's chest, and I couldn't help but wiggle my fingers to feel out the surroundings inside his body. I was an inch away from his heart. I knew every second was Hell for the boy, and try as I might, no amount of coaxing could get me to kill him for real.

So I spared him.

My face cool, and relaxed, I pulled out my hand. The way the blood just formed, and poured out, I thought for a moment that the way the blood just happened to spray out looked like a carnation. It faded as quickly as it came, and splashed on the ground, and spread down his chest, and his white clothes. The threads soaked up the blood, the red spreading fast through his clothes. He moved his hand to his chest, and tried to walk to Yusuke. He stumbled, hand raised, and realized then he would not be able to reach Yusuke.

Standing by him I let the blood slip all over my hand. I knew in my head that Kuwabara's blood should be warm, but it felt cold on my hands, like red paint. Choking, and making funny little noises, he smiled, and croaked, "Okay Urameshi..." I felt a little sorry for him, as he doubled over, and eyes wide began to throw up his blood. It freckled his skin, and spilled out on the dirt floor. He was truly a miserable sight.

Coughing, and taking another stumbling step towards Yusuke, he continued, "I did what I could...now it's up to you...defeat him for all of us!" His breaths were frantic, and he was trying to get enough air. Glancing at him, my stomach twisted as I realized I probably went in his body too far, and had killed him anyway. "Make my death count!...Yusuke..." Yusuke wasn't the only one surprised when Kuwabara had said his first name. From all I've seen Kuwabara had never used Yusuke's first name.

Hearing him say that name, I knew Kuwabara was truly saying good-bye.

After that final gasp, he stilled and stiffened. His shaking legs gave out, and he fell forward in the strangest position as I walked away. I felt a puff a wind whiz by my head. Hiei had tried to strike me. His friends had rushed over as soon as they saw him start to fall.

Now closer by Yusuke, I watched the group from a distance. Kurama shook Kuwabara, and pulled him up so his arm was around his neck. I heard him cry out, and say his name, begging him to stay with them. Then his shoulders sagged, and he gave out one last plea for Kuwabara to live. As his body trembled, and Hiei and Koenma looked down at him angry and seeming to be in pain, I knew I had killed him.

I had taken Kuwabara's life, even when I had thought of sparing him.

'One more crime...one more crime.' I thought as I turned to a shaking Yusuke. Glancing above I saw the now dead teen's sister scream his name, as tears spread down her face. The demoness with blue hair sobbed gems, while the other with blue hair closed her eyes tightly. Looking back at Yusuke, I sighed, time for my act. "My, that's rather anticlimactic. Here you've known him for so long and now he's dead. Was that not enough for you?"

He rose shoulders dropped, and eyes half closed. Energy was curling around him, and I knew then I had done it. I had released his energy. He spoke softly of how he would never forgive me, or himself, for what I'd done. His eyes drifted somewhere else, no doubt somewhere in his memories where his friends still lived.

And then soon, I too was dead.

As I began my ascent to spirit world, I could hear Yusuke scream and cry out about how he had failed his best friend. His sobs still echo in my head. I never knew what became of Kuwabara...where he went. Probably to heaven. I hope he knows I didn't try to kill him, that I wanted him to live on. I regret sometimes that I didn't ask Koenma what became of Kuwabara, but I consider it another part of my punishment for my crimes.

Not knowing.

Not knowing something such as this...it bothers me every day, but I deserve it. Deserve my punishment for my crime.

My name is Toguro.

And I am a human, with crimes far worse than the nightmares people have....

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end, I thought I'd throw in that Toguro thought he killed Kuwabara, and didn't know what happened. bye all. 


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